God's delay is not a denial...

I have to keep telling myself that. A lot. Over and over and over again. I work. I work a lot. I work all the time. But for what? I pay rent, utilities, my car, insurance, food, a little bit of entertainment, and all the extras for the boys. Jordan's sports, Joey's school (not an extra a neccesity)...



There's one thing I want but can't have, it seems no matter how hard I work. That is my own home. Don't get me wrong, I love my neighborhood and if I could buy my own house and plop it right on this lot I would be in hog heaven. But I can't do that. I can't even buy a house. Even with prices like they are I couldn't afford the payment on my own.



There's a perfect one out there for me right now. It's right next door to my mom's house, it's a nice house for a nice price, but not something I can do.



So I pray, every day, that some way, some how I can someday own my very own home. I'm almost 40 years old so I need it to come soon or what's the point? So every day after I pray, I tell myself, God's delay is not a denial.



I have to believe that, I just do.

Oncologist Visit #2

I have 2 oncologists, one from my radiation place and the other at Kaiser. I saw the Kaiser one today. He did his exam and of course asked me about my weight, I lost 5 lbs since I saw him last so I didn't get the "weight in relation to cancer" lecture that usually goes on for 30 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I like him, but I can only hear what I already know so many times. LOL

He said everything seems ok, but he ordered a mammogram for a couple of days from now. I shouldn't go until May but he wants me to go early. He noted that he felt something so they would rush it.

I'm scared to death to go. What if they find something, what if it's back, what if I have new lumps/cancer? And too much pressure hurts my right breast (the cancerous one) so I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the pain.

We'll see what happens. Until then, I'm healthy and good to go.

Oncology visit...

I went to see my radiation oncologist Dr. V on Thursday. He checked my skin and said it's healing and looking really good. He atributed it to the cream he prescribed me and told me to keep using it. Dunny thing is I haven't used it since the 2nd week in November. LOL But he said he hopes to never have to see me again (me too) and to stop by any time just to say hello. He also said to make sure to get my mammogram on time and let them know about my lumpectomies when I do.

I go for my 6 month check up with Dr. Shum of Kaiser, my other oncologist on the 17th of February (Christopher's 23rd birthday by the way) and I dread going to him. Only because I haven't lost one pound and he is the one who harps on me about my weight (like I don't know I'm fat?) and tells me I need to really lose some weight. I know this to be true, but that doesn't make it easy. I keep saying I'm going to and I keep doing what I've been doing and of course we see where that got me. I say I'm going to go to the gym, I actually like to go, but really where am I supposed to find the time?

I work Monday - Friday 7:30-4:30, then I work Monday, Tuesday, & Thursday at Penney's from 5:30-9:30. Wednesdays and Fridays are Jordan's basketball games from 5:30 until about 7 and then I have to get home and cook dinner. I work a few hours usually on Saturdays and some Sundays, but when I don't I have to do housework. You would think with all that I would lose something but NO! I don't know, I'm just frustrated more lately because of that and other stresses. I hope eventually it will all work out. **shrugs**