God's delay is not a denial...

I have to keep telling myself that. A lot. Over and over and over again. I work. I work a lot. I work all the time. But for what? I pay rent, utilities, my car, insurance, food, a little bit of entertainment, and all the extras for the boys. Jordan's sports, Joey's school (not an extra a neccesity)...



There's one thing I want but can't have, it seems no matter how hard I work. That is my own home. Don't get me wrong, I love my neighborhood and if I could buy my own house and plop it right on this lot I would be in hog heaven. But I can't do that. I can't even buy a house. Even with prices like they are I couldn't afford the payment on my own.



There's a perfect one out there for me right now. It's right next door to my mom's house, it's a nice house for a nice price, but not something I can do.



So I pray, every day, that some way, some how I can someday own my very own home. I'm almost 40 years old so I need it to come soon or what's the point? So every day after I pray, I tell myself, God's delay is not a denial.



I have to believe that, I just do.

Oncologist Visit #2

I have 2 oncologists, one from my radiation place and the other at Kaiser. I saw the Kaiser one today. He did his exam and of course asked me about my weight, I lost 5 lbs since I saw him last so I didn't get the "weight in relation to cancer" lecture that usually goes on for 30 minutes. Don't get me wrong, I like him, but I can only hear what I already know so many times. LOL

He said everything seems ok, but he ordered a mammogram for a couple of days from now. I shouldn't go until May but he wants me to go early. He noted that he felt something so they would rush it.

I'm scared to death to go. What if they find something, what if it's back, what if I have new lumps/cancer? And too much pressure hurts my right breast (the cancerous one) so I'm afraid I won't be able to handle the pain.

We'll see what happens. Until then, I'm healthy and good to go.

Oncology visit...

I went to see my radiation oncologist Dr. V on Thursday. He checked my skin and said it's healing and looking really good. He atributed it to the cream he prescribed me and told me to keep using it. Dunny thing is I haven't used it since the 2nd week in November. LOL But he said he hopes to never have to see me again (me too) and to stop by any time just to say hello. He also said to make sure to get my mammogram on time and let them know about my lumpectomies when I do.

I go for my 6 month check up with Dr. Shum of Kaiser, my other oncologist on the 17th of February (Christopher's 23rd birthday by the way) and I dread going to him. Only because I haven't lost one pound and he is the one who harps on me about my weight (like I don't know I'm fat?) and tells me I need to really lose some weight. I know this to be true, but that doesn't make it easy. I keep saying I'm going to and I keep doing what I've been doing and of course we see where that got me. I say I'm going to go to the gym, I actually like to go, but really where am I supposed to find the time?

I work Monday - Friday 7:30-4:30, then I work Monday, Tuesday, & Thursday at Penney's from 5:30-9:30. Wednesdays and Fridays are Jordan's basketball games from 5:30 until about 7 and then I have to get home and cook dinner. I work a few hours usually on Saturdays and some Sundays, but when I don't I have to do housework. You would think with all that I would lose something but NO! I don't know, I'm just frustrated more lately because of that and other stresses. I hope eventually it will all work out. **shrugs**

Responsibility

Responsibility is a funny thing. Some people embrace it and accept it weather they want to or not. Others just ignore it, I guess hoping or knowing someone else will take care of it. In my case I have been disgustingly responsible for myself and others since I was 15 years old. Even if I wanted to blow it off it wouldn't be possible. So of course it really makes me wonder about people who can not care about and blow off the things they are responsible for. Do they not wonder if their responsibilities will need their care and attention? How do you not live up to your responsibilites? Really?

I've been working pretty much non stop since I was 15 years old, with a little time off here and again for surgeries or short vacations. For the last 5 1/2 years I have been working 2 jobs. I want so bad to quit the second job, I'm just done with it. But I can't and I don't know when/if I ever will be able to. I'm paying to send one kid to college while paying the extra money to keep my other one in the sports he plays, and he will be in college eventually. Basketball shoes, baseball cleats, and all that goes with it does not come cheap. OH, and I make too much money to have him qualify for financial aid. What a joke! Do you know how much books alone cost? Eventually my son will be going from community college to a bigger (translation more expensive) college. I'm thinking when that happens I will be in the market for a third job. Hey, who needs sleep, it's all overrated right?

I have a severe case of the "have tos".....

I don't know if anyone else gets these but I have an awful case of the "have tos"....

I get up because I have to.
I take a shower because I have to.
I brush my teeth because I have to.
I go to work because I have to.
I comb my hair because I have to.
I put my make up on because I have to.

If I could stay at home, be stinky, yellow teeth, matted hair, and in my jammies and my Uggs I would be content.

Christmas and other goings on....

Well Christmas was really nice this year and I enjoyed the season. On Christmas Eve my kids go to their dad's and spend time with him and his family. I went to my cousin's apartment with my mom & my nephew and watched her kids and my other cousin open their gifts.

Christmas Day was fun because it was the first year that Kaden was really into it. He kept wanting "pesents" and would say "For me? I can open?"... I bought him some clothes and a new tricycle. I will post pictures soon when the weather is a bit better, I get him a helmet, and he can ride in my street. He can't pedal yet so he's so funny to watch doing it Flinstone style. I got some nice gifts, a watch I wanted from Joey and I got a new vacuum which I needed badly!!!

Last night I spent the night at Dameron Hospital. Jordan fell at basketball practice at Franklin and thought he broke his elbow. So my mom called me at work, I rushed to meet her at Dameron, and we waited. They x-ray'd his elbow and said there were no "obvious" fractures but the tissue was swollen and bruised. He couldn't put his arm straight because it hurt so bad so they put it in a splint and a sling and said to follow up with Kaiser the next day.

So, today we went to Kaiser and they said it was still too soon to x-ray again but he could move it a little more, but he still can't straighten out. He has to keep the splint on and in the sling and we have a new appointment on Monday for a new x-ray to make for certain there are no fractures.

I'm telling you this kid has had more x-rays than my other 2 put together. He broke his wrist 2 1/2 years ago playing basketball. There was a pen on the court/playground and he stepped on it and rolled and landed on his hand. He's always falling on his left hand too which is bad because he's left handed.

I'm thinking it won't be broken but we'll have to wait and see. If it is he will miss out on basketball and maybe baseball this season and we don't want that to happen.

Well I'm off to work, which is something I've been doing massively for the season. I'm so glad it's almost over. I say almost because we still have returns and after Christmas sales so we have yet to slow down. LOL

Christmas Tree

I've been working 14-16 hour days for a few weeks not so I never really had a chance to get a Christmas tree. If I wasn't working I was exhausted, I mean I only started my Christmas shopping last Friday so you do the math.

Yesterday I finally decided I wasn't going to get a tree because I'd be the one doing all of the work with it anyway so why bother. Well Jordan must have wanted one because he said he would help put it up and take it down. So I worked today 5:45 a.m.-1:30 p.m. and then went to a baby shower while Jordan was at his friends.


After I picked Jordan up from his friend's house I headed to S-mart to get one of their nice $19.99 trees. Well we pull up and of course, they are all out. So we got the only thing they had left.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put some lights on it.