Just a craptastic weekend...

The weekend started out not so good on Friday and continued from there. Without getting into it I just had a bad day Friday and had to take care of some stuff that I thought I had already taken care of but didn't... Not a good beginning....

I worked on Saturday for 4 hours and then had my grandson for the night, of course that was great.... But the day just went by too fast.

Then Sunday morning comes and my dad calls to let me know his mother, my grandmother passed away last night. She has had a few strokes and wasn't really doing well the past week or so and he told me last week he didn't think it would be long. So I'm sad and guilty all in one.

See, I used to go visit my grandmother in the first home they put her in and she would always say bad things to me, before that she used to give me birthday cards that said she knew I didn't like her or old people but here's a check for my birthday anyway...

Now I'm not trying to make her out to be a bad person, because she was not, but I had aunts and cousins that used to fill her head with lots of things about my dad and us while using her money for their food, rent, clothes, etc... My dad put a stop to that as soon as he found out.

But for some reason she would do and say these mean things to me. So I stopped going to visit her. Truth be told I have not seen her for over 4 years. And while I have felt bad about it, I just really couldn't handle the negative visits, even though I knew she was old and it wasn't her fault.

So now she's gone and my dad will not be having a service for her, he will prolly just bury her by his dad who has been dead for many years, way before I was ever even thought of, way before my parents even met. He said why have a service for people to come to when people didn't even come see her when she was alive. While he was not referring to me because he knew and understood why I didn't go, it still hurt and the guilt came on. He mean my aunts, his sisters because after he cut off their access to her money they stopped coming around. One aunt hasn't seen her in over 5 years and the other one way longer and like me they live nearby one is in Stockton and one in Clements. My uncle, my dad's brother, is in prison in Washington state but even before that he only came to her for money too. My dad has decided he won't even call any of them to let them know of her passing. I'm not sure I agree, but I understand.

So, I'm sitting here feeling like the worst person who ever lived and feeling really bad for my dad for losing his mom. I do take comfort in the fact she was in no pain, he was there with her and she just closed her eyes, fell asleep, and then she was gone. I know she had visitors and I kept updated on her because my mom has a friend that was in the same home and she would visit them both often, in fact she just went out there on Tuesday and got her to eat a little chcolate pudding. But then I feel crappy again because my mom, her ex-DIL even went to see her. There's nothing I can do to change the past but I hope my dad doesn't hate me.

Rest in peace Grandma Audrey, because I know I may not have shown it, but I did love you and you will be missed.